Denied.

I used to think “denying yourself” (Luke 9:23) was something you could choose to do at some point in your life. But I’m learning that it is a necessity for experiencing the fullness of life. Here, I am learning what it is to deny comfort, familiarity, language, and mostly myself.

Cornell West once said in a lecture at Wheaton:

 “There is no rebirth without death, so anyone wanting to be in the art of living must have courage to encounter death…Love is always a form of death. “

Many things brought me to this place—mostly good things. I believe God called me here, and that calling is good and beautiful. God’s calling was never difficult to accept because it lined up so perfectly with what I had always wanted: to explore, to learn, to meet new people, to be independent.

All these things have served to get me here to Kigali. But I woke up the first morning and realized none of these desires alone will help me survive in Rwanda. It was a terrifying realization. This is going to be very, very hard.

An incredibly powerful (and probably over quoted) song by Hillsong asks God to

“Lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.”

This song was so helpful leading up to this point because it described exactly what I was doing: asking God to bless the opportunity to live in Rwanda. But the song says nothing about what to do once you’re in the water and you realize how easy it will be to slowly drown for the next 6 months.

In other words, my desires lining with God’s brought me to this point, but obedience to God’s faithfulness will help me to stay. 

By His grace, nothing matters more than God’s constant presence with me. Even though everything that I depend on for comfort is gone, the only true and lasting source of provision is always with me.

Hopefully better pictures to come soon,
but this gives you an idea of one of the many hills in Kigali.
The big building is the "downtown" area

And God has been so good, and so faithful! My host family is beyond incredible. They joyfully translate the 6-hour prayer service and explain the significance of the traditional dances during my first dowry party. They accept me as their daughter without any questions, and patiently introduce new Kinyarwanda words to my slowly growing vocabulary. It took everything in me to not break down crying in Church because of the beauty of praising God “Wera uni uwera” (Holy, you are holy) over and over and over.

I pray that I come to overflow with a deep love for my Rwandan family here. But in order for me to fully love, I must continue to deny myself.

God calls us to deny ourselves not so that we can be miserable, but for our own good—it is the only way to make room in our hearts for joy!

I have my own room!
This is the morning glow I wake up to every day

Favorite moments so far:

• Waking up to the glow of the sun through my mosquito net
• Being told all I have to do to learn Kinyarwanda is to "up the faith," then God will give me the gift of tongues to understand. We all laughed so I think it was a joke...
• Dowry parties are awesome. I'll leave you with this: 8 men dressed as cows dancing to djembes and horns
• Worshipping God in Church with a vuvuzeya 
• Thinking a guy was taking a picture of his friend, but was really taking a picture of the “muzungu” (white person), which he proudly showed me later
• Failing miserably at bucket showers
• In the evenings, learning to cook outdoors and slowly learning Kinyarwanda...there's a lot of laughter involved